I am acquainted with The Honorable Paul MS Fallari MP, Federal Member for Lilliput, New South Wales, through a mutual acquaintance, a Mr J Swift; a fellow writer of some note in is home country he attests. Mr Swift passed on to me this most interesting transcript of Fallari MP’s first speech to the Australian Federal Parliament, with the speaker’s kind permission to pass it on as I see fit. His Noble Proposal is revolutionary and inspired although some of his points may be a little beyond my meagre understanding.
I stand here before you in this place, my fellow Members of Parliament, as the new member for Lilliput. This moment should humble me but it does not. What I feel is relief. This is, for me, a moment of pause—to breathe—after the long struggle of pre-selection and election to a seat in this Federal Parliament. And not just any seat, but to one I can offer honourable disdain to the robust and consistent voting habits of its constituents. Before me stretch long years in this place. The majority of this time, I am assured, will be on the better side of the room but with the tenure my seat endows I will also pass some terms in the idolatry of Opposition.
In the long weeks of my election campaign I have become proud to recognise many of the streets and suburbs of Lilliput. It has afforded me an opportunity to glimpse some sections of a community with whom I would not previously have had reason or yearning to encounter. Lilliput is a multicultural community and I can personally attest to this. I have driven through sprawling suburbs filled with Chinese, Vietnamese, Indians, South Americans and even Middle Eastern peoples—well they looked Middle Eastern, they had beards. There are also some of the land’s previous inhabitants, which presented a convenient circumstance to offer dutiful neglect to this small fragment of Australian society.
I take this occasion, in the company of you fine people, to put forth a proposal for your consideration. A noble proposal for preventing the Baby-Boomers of Australia from becoming a burden to their children or country, and for making them beneficial to our nation’s economy. Some of my older colleagues need to do more than just consider the proposal.
Australia, like many western democracies, stands upon the brink, beset by calamities: environmental, social, spiritual and economic. Our population ages daily, and I equate this to the turning of pages in a calendar—you know how they get a day older each day and we turn the page on the calendar each day. The Baby-Boomers have passed the crest of their lives and coast on the downward stretch toward retirement. They clog our transport infrastructure and their own arteries with caravans and fried food. For most, there has been no war or other calamity to open their eyes and trim their numbers, and the medical industry finds yet more ways to cure their ailments. The imminent retirement of these Baby-Boomers threatens the viability of health and welfare systems already stretched to their limit.
In the last decades of the twentieth century the Australian Share Market has become swollen with billions of dollars invested through burgeoning superannuation schemes. The anonymous nature of this investment frees up the moderately compensated chief executives to focus solely on the bottom line, concealed and protected from the moralistic whims and consciences of the businesses true owners. The prospect of Baby-Boomers cashing in their lifetime investment, or worse; taking an active interest in their shareholder responsibilities, threatens the stability of our world’s temperamental share markets.
The economic threat from the Baby-Boomer generation must be addressed quickly and decisively. Let us continue our country’s proud tradition of eradication of troublesome populations and take an example from our Christian heritage to allow these Baby-Boomers to give up their lives to ensure our common prosperity. Surely our spiritual leader’s irrational repulsion can be overcome, and suicide can be actively pursued as a valid mode of both protest and to protect the economic future of one’s offspring—it was a good enough alternative for Jesus after all. We should aspire to this level of courage not condemn it. Australian history is bursting with legends of men, and resolute women, who have sacrificed their lives for a cause; Wars, Labour Reform, Business Activity Statements, and Land Rights. It’s time for the Baby-Boomers to stand up and be culled.
But I digress.
Many cultures of our world, up until the last century, condoned the noble sacrifice of one’s life. In some societies, such as our Japanese neighbours, the practice was elevated to an art form: Seppuku—Noble Suicide.
I do not speak of a messy end, such as to leap from the windows of tall buildings. This would cause regrettable damage to the pavement below but also leave their person in an inappropriate state for viewing in-casket. What I propose is a regulated and neat system. Imagine the pride a young man would feel if he stood beside his kneeling grandfather, sword poised to end any suffering. The old man’s face is soft, his thoughts serene, as he draws a sharp blade across his abdomen releasing its contents to the white expanse of a stage. He glances out towards his proud family members, well-wishers, and local members of Parliament, before bending his head forward to expose the back of his neck for his grandson’s cut.
Of course not all Baby-Boomers may wish to, or be permitted to, make this noble sacrifice. The supporting legislation can be defined to create a new section in the public service to continually evaluate the status of Baby-Boomers who attempt to avoid their responsibilities. Baby-Boomers will be required to complete a quarterly Baby-Boomer Activity Statement (BBAS), which will of course include a processing fee. Every financial quarter of the year these BBAS Statements will be used to determine each Baby-Boomer’s eligibility for the scheme and also become a source of government revenue. Eventually all Baby-Boomers will either be unable to pay the processing fee— enabling their compulsory participation—or they will become eligible through normal age and outcome based evaluation criteria.
Please be assured of my sadness and anger when our society’s younger members take their own lives. I for one can do without the overt and embarrassing demonstrations of sorrow we often witness following such events. A noble illustration of courage from one’s elders can only dissuade this avoidable loss of government revenue from a lifetime of paying income tax.
Although the advantages of my proposal are obvious, I will articulate some of them for you now:
Firstly, our health system is in crisis. Hospital waiting lists continue to grow beyond the rate we can import underqualified medical practitioners. Let us, with a decisive cut, save the Baby-Boomers—who already make up more than 62% of these waiting lists—from their obvious pain and suffering.
Secondly, the vast amounts of anonymous wealth at the disposal of our country’s business sector must be protected. This proposal includes the automatic transfer of all superannuation funds from successful participants to the funds of their children, thereby circumventing potential cash flow effects on businesses and the moralistic interference of private shareholders (a processing fee for the transfer will of course be required to cover the administrative costs).
My third point relates to the elderly widows who may lack the courage to participate alongside their partners. They can be encouraged to spend their last years more productively, providing low-cost childcare, to offset the escalation in expenses for our community’s breeders. This is surely a more beneficial and agreeable vocation than doting on grumpy-old-men, or distributing naphthalene about their home.
Fourthly, let us consider our own political careers. The voting public are fickle and occasionally opt to replace one government with another—even if surprisingly less remarkable. My therapist, a Baby-Boomer herself, joins me today in the gallery. She suggests the unsettling members of the Baby-Boomer generation, who waste so much of the little time we expend on our electorates, are the ones most likely to actively partake in this scheme. A deep resolve and a commitment to country and family are the attributes we can encourage for participants. With this kind eradicated our government will be freer to make long-term plans without fear of electoral backlash.
To my final point, it relates to the selfish claim under the Native Title Act of 1994. The Wik is burning unchecked, my fellow members. Let us take this opportunity to fortify our national wealth, lest our taciturn landlords come knocking and the Baby-Boomers are the only ones with the cash to pay their debts.
I can assert to you, with confidence, that there is no chance that you will find a single economic flaw in my proposal. For the public service’s ‘wheels and cogs’ have computed it meets their stringent economic ratification guidelines.
I am proud to be the new federal member for Lilliput, and prouder still of my government’s conviction to place the economic welfare of our nation above all other concerns. Let us enact this noble proposal with utmost speed. A famous catch phrase of the Baby-Boomer generation is:
“I hope I die before I get old”.
Well… I for one will not allow ill-founded sentiments and an outdated moralistic view of suicide stand in their way.